I feel so empty and disconnected. My grief seems to be getting worse. I so long for community and yet honestly I didn't make it to church today.
I still keep thinking if I can just leave here and go to DC where there are more resources to be in community, life will be better. I want life to look different but I am not sure what I want it to look like.
Life moves on and this year it has to move forward.
So what do I do? I need help and healing. I have to have courage to face my issues and the fact that as a child of an alcoholic, I want to control my environment. I get upset and disappointed when I can't. When external factors don't go my way, I think it reinforces my negative thoughts about me. Somehow, external circumstances=my identity. Yet story after story in Scripture says that is not true. My thoughts are wrong. The Gospel and my identity in Christ is mind-blowing and TRUE.
My beliefs and thoughts are WRONG. But how do I believe correctly? How do I move truth into my heart?
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
February Cont'd
I realized something horrible tonight. I am an adulterer, like Gomer. Gomer, the adulteress says, "I will go after my other lovers, who give my my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink. God says, "She has not acknowleged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and the gold." Hosea 2: 5, 8
I am an adulterer, just like Gomer. I am acting like the breakup with my boyfriend means all hope is gone, I am alone in the wilderness with no compass and life is over. BUT that's not true.
It was never my boyfriend who loved me and treated me so well. It was God, through my boyfriend, who lavished His love and grace on me. I am devastated because he got scared and ran away. And I have been crying for a month.
But the lover of my soul did not. He is still here, right beside me. Moreover, he promises me He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me. Hebrews 13 There is joy admidst the pain. GOD HAS NOT LEFT ME. And he never will. He is a faithful God who continues to woo me and pursue me and he will NEVER stop.
It was GOD all along who gave, and continues to give, me grain, new wine, and oil and silver and gold. Not my boyfriend. God just used him to reveal Himself to me.
Oh what amazing love is this!! Hallelujah!! Hallelujah!!
I am an adulterer, just like Gomer. I am acting like the breakup with my boyfriend means all hope is gone, I am alone in the wilderness with no compass and life is over. BUT that's not true.
It was never my boyfriend who loved me and treated me so well. It was God, through my boyfriend, who lavished His love and grace on me. I am devastated because he got scared and ran away. And I have been crying for a month.
But the lover of my soul did not. He is still here, right beside me. Moreover, he promises me He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me. Hebrews 13 There is joy admidst the pain. GOD HAS NOT LEFT ME. And he never will. He is a faithful God who continues to woo me and pursue me and he will NEVER stop.
It was GOD all along who gave, and continues to give, me grain, new wine, and oil and silver and gold. Not my boyfriend. God just used him to reveal Himself to me.
Oh what amazing love is this!! Hallelujah!! Hallelujah!!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Sunday
I see light and I feel hope! I feel and see glimpses of God's goodness in the midst of my pain. Today I started thinking seriously how He could redeem this situation and I started thinking about doing ministry to the brokenhearted and the poor. So I going to start praying for opportunities to minister to the brokenhearted and the poor.
I believe with my whole heart that Satan destroyed my relationship. But I also believe with my whole heart that God IS good and He will redeem and make something good come from it. Look at what He did with Joseph and His Son and so many others...
God told me the Monday before the breakup, "See the former things have taken place, and new things I declare; before they spring into being I announce them to you." Isaiah 42:9
In the midst of my pain, I want to see God at work. I want to intentionally look for ways He is working. And then I want to worship. Satan wants me to think horrible thoughts and I've let him, but those thoughts are like him: they seek to destroy me, they are lies and they seek to steal my walk with God.
I hope one day to be able to say with Joseph, You meant this for evil but God meant this for good. And here's what He did...whatever it is. I want this to be a testimony to Him in the midst of ruins. And He is glorified.
I had a great phone conversation that blessed me earlier this week in which a sister in Christ shared her breakup story and how she got through it. I told her emphatically, "You have blessed me." I want to be able to do that with someone.
Then this experience will be redeemed and good will come out of it. This experience is also making me want to fight. I HATE Satan and what he has done. So I am praying for redemption and beauty to rise from the ashes.
God is in the business of restoration, reconciliation and redemption. He makes streams in the deserts and crooked paths smooth.
I believe with my whole heart that Satan destroyed my relationship. But I also believe with my whole heart that God IS good and He will redeem and make something good come from it. Look at what He did with Joseph and His Son and so many others...
God told me the Monday before the breakup, "See the former things have taken place, and new things I declare; before they spring into being I announce them to you." Isaiah 42:9
In the midst of my pain, I want to see God at work. I want to intentionally look for ways He is working. And then I want to worship. Satan wants me to think horrible thoughts and I've let him, but those thoughts are like him: they seek to destroy me, they are lies and they seek to steal my walk with God.
I hope one day to be able to say with Joseph, You meant this for evil but God meant this for good. And here's what He did...whatever it is. I want this to be a testimony to Him in the midst of ruins. And He is glorified.
I had a great phone conversation that blessed me earlier this week in which a sister in Christ shared her breakup story and how she got through it. I told her emphatically, "You have blessed me." I want to be able to do that with someone.
Then this experience will be redeemed and good will come out of it. This experience is also making me want to fight. I HATE Satan and what he has done. So I am praying for redemption and beauty to rise from the ashes.
God is in the business of restoration, reconciliation and redemption. He makes streams in the deserts and crooked paths smooth.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The First Month
My boyfriend broke up with me exactly a month ago today. Today, I have been crying, and I have been angry. Mainly I am angry at Satan, who is a liar, a thief and a destroyer. He destroyed my relationship with my boyfriend, I believe that with all my heart. My boyfriend began to believe lies: a)his parents told him how concerned they are with our age difference (13 years); b)he became fearful and fled rather than standing firm.
Our faith brought us together and our unbelief broke us apart. For almost two years we have overcome. We overcame circumstances (unemployment, being broke, and living in separate places) because we agreed with God that we were to be together. We had already planned the wedding, but we were still waiting. We were waiting on circumstances to work out so we could start our lives together. Yet he became fearful and I was impatient. Both are rooted in unbelief.
So a relationship has been destroyed. And I am heartbroken.
BUT I believe God is good and He causes ALL things to work together for good for those that love him. So in the midst of my pain, I see and taste glimpses of His goodness.
My boyfriend taught me that I was special, well loved and beautiful. I never knew that until he showed it to me. I called him God's gift because he taught and showed me so many things about God.
In the aftermath, I am learning that I am still special, well loved and beautiful in God's eyes because I am His daughter. I am learning about God's sovereignty, grief, compassion, and so much more.
God is close to the brokenhearted. I never knew what that meant until now. I never understood what it was like to be brokenhearted until now. Yet isn't this one of the reasons Jesus came? "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted..." Isaiah 61:1
We have the promise that God will bind up and heal our broken hearts! Isn't that Good News? In the midst of my grief, I can rejoice. God and His son care about my broken heart and yours.
I want to know God better. And this painful, horrible experience is helping me learn more about God. And I want to be like the boy's father who pleaded with Jesus, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." Mark 9:24 So I am praying to Jesus to help me overcome my unbelief.
Our faith brought us together and our unbelief broke us apart. For almost two years we have overcome. We overcame circumstances (unemployment, being broke, and living in separate places) because we agreed with God that we were to be together. We had already planned the wedding, but we were still waiting. We were waiting on circumstances to work out so we could start our lives together. Yet he became fearful and I was impatient. Both are rooted in unbelief.
So a relationship has been destroyed. And I am heartbroken.
BUT I believe God is good and He causes ALL things to work together for good for those that love him. So in the midst of my pain, I see and taste glimpses of His goodness.
My boyfriend taught me that I was special, well loved and beautiful. I never knew that until he showed it to me. I called him God's gift because he taught and showed me so many things about God.
In the aftermath, I am learning that I am still special, well loved and beautiful in God's eyes because I am His daughter. I am learning about God's sovereignty, grief, compassion, and so much more.
God is close to the brokenhearted. I never knew what that meant until now. I never understood what it was like to be brokenhearted until now. Yet isn't this one of the reasons Jesus came? "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted..." Isaiah 61:1
We have the promise that God will bind up and heal our broken hearts! Isn't that Good News? In the midst of my grief, I can rejoice. God and His son care about my broken heart and yours.
I want to know God better. And this painful, horrible experience is helping me learn more about God. And I want to be like the boy's father who pleaded with Jesus, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." Mark 9:24 So I am praying to Jesus to help me overcome my unbelief.
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